


Sardines With a Side of Platypi

by Toxic_Waste



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Angry Kissing, F/F, One Shot, Selfcest, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 13:31:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15144137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toxic_Waste/pseuds/Toxic_Waste
Summary: Phineas used to love the idea of having sleepovers with his friends. He is now starting to... reconsider the notion.





	Sardines With a Side of Platypi

**Author's Note:**

> Technically an AU of 'Split Personality', I suppose - one which could about be summed up in one piece of dialogue.
> 
> "Well, Ferb, who could've known that reversing polarity like that would be impossible? We probably ought to destroy that Splitter now that we do know, though - wouldn't want it to hit anything we wouldn't want to stay split apart for good. At least it's just been in the backyard this whole time. I doubt anything would've messed with it there."
> 
> And from that point, well, you just let the butterfly effect do its work, and hold onto your hats. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy!

There were many things Phineas Flynn enjoyed in life, from the projects he and his brother and their friends built, to just getting to hang out with said friends and brother and sister, to the snacks that invariably wrapped the afternoon’s adventures up, whatever that adventure had happened to be. Even the prospect of going to sleep after another long, well-seized day was something he looked forwards to. His bed was soft and warm and spacious, and the knowledge that he’d be fully rested and ready for the morrow was enticing indeed.

And then, in a freak accident that no one had ever managed to figure out quite _why_ it’d happened, 'sister' had become 'sisters', and though a lot had changed, none had more so than his nights - at least, so it very much seemed.

His bed was spacious, but it wasn’t _that_ large, and though he was hardly the sort of guy to deny any of his friends a request... well, neither of his sisters ever really asked about it in the first place.

"Gonna keep my eye on you," Candace growled, clapping a heavy hand on his shoulder come nightfall. "You think you’re clever, wanna wait till night and then do something bustable, hmm? Not on my watch, twerp. You don’t leave my sight."

And Phineas smiled, though internally he was almost ready to sigh in resignation. "Okay," he said instead. "If you want."

"If I want," Candace scowled. "This is what I do. You’re going do-"

"Oooooh, are we going to bed?" Candace abruptly squealed, bouncing into the room and interrupting her other half. "Yay! Jeremy once went to bed, you know. I just love going to-"

"Yes, we know," the first Candace growled. "You love everything. Keep it out of my hair."

"I do!" Loving Candace (really, was there a better way to separate her from the other one?) replied dreamily, staring off into space. "I love people. I love loving - oh, I love you! I lo-"

"Yeah, well, can it or I’ll give you something to love," Other Candace snarled. "Tonight is about that busting and — hey! where do you think you’re going? Not on my watch, boy."

Phineas halted in his tracks and smiled innocently, though it hardly seemed to lighten the expression of extreme suspicion on Other Candace’s face a single whit. "Just... going to bed?" So much for sneaking off in an attempt to ensure he’d actually get to bed alone. Honestly, though.

"Yeah, well, you do that, then." Other Candace put her hands on her hips and stalked just inches behind him — close enough for him to feel her hot breath on the top of his head. "I’ve got my eye on you," she stressed again. "Think you can get past me? I don’t think so."

"Of course not," Phineas agreed absentmindedly, pulling aside the covers on his bed and crawling beneath them. "Wouldn’t think of it."

Candace snorted. "Sure."

"Heeeeeey guys, look who I found!" Candace squealed again, reappearing, clutching a particularly distressed-looking semi-aquatic mammal to her chest. "Oh, isn’t he so cute and soft? I just love him! I wanna squeeze him! Squeeze! Squeeze!"

"Wanna squeeze your throat," Candace muttered, watching as her other self planted a series of sloppy kisses on the animal's head. Perry made some vaguely smothering sound, and Phineas wondered if the poor platypus could actually still breathe. Probably. That half of Candace had never been particularly... strangling.

"I’m going to take him to bed with me!" Candace crowed. "He'll love it! Look at his little face? Oh, you remind me of Jeremy! Doesn’t he look just like Jeremy, guys?"

Considering she had said that about the washing machine earlier on the evening, Phineas was pretty sure it wasn’t that much of a compliment.

He tried to hold his own for... just a brief moment as Candace climbed into bed after him, but then she kneed him squarely in the shin, and he scooted back, almost to the edge of the bed.

"Hmmph," she grunted, positioning herself directly in front of him, her eyes only inches away from his. "I’ve got my eyes on you. You’re not getting anything past me."

"Wouldn’t think of it," he replied, coughing slightly at the heat and smell of her breath assaulting his nose. He tried scooting back a little ways, but she only scooted forwards and eventually he had to give up unless he wanted to end up on the floor.

And then the bed creaked violently as the other Candace in the room threw herself across it, giggling. "Nighty-night time! Come on, Perry!" She grabbed ahold of the bedcovers and pulled surprisingly hard on them, yanking them loose from the end of the bed and dragging them over to herself.

Out the corner of his eye, Phineas saw his brother walk into the room, making a beeline for his own bed. "Ferb...!" he pleaded, and for a moment considered the possibility of trying to sleep in his brother’s bed instead. It was no use, though. The one Candace would follow him, and the giggly Candace would follow her, and Ferb snored anyway.

(So did Candace, but that was another matter.)

"Hug time!" Candace cheered, snuggling up to her other self.

"Get your hands off me."

"Oh, but Perry likes it!" Perry made another vaguely distressed warble, as if to disagree indeed. "Phineas likes it!"

"I don’t care what either of them like." At another time Phineas might’ve felt up to protesting the statement, but it was a battle doomed to failure anyway. Giving in, he made some attempt to roll over onto his back, but was abruptly halted by a stony glare and a heavy grip clamping down on his wrist.

"Candace, I’m not gonna go anywhere," he protested.

"Don’t — would you stop that?!" Candace suddenly pushed herself upward from the bed, twisting about to face her other half. "Quit! Now! Or you’re going to regret it!"

"Aw, but Perry was giving you kisses!" Candace pouted.

"Yeah, well, you don’t cut it out and I swear I'll give _you_ a kiss - and you’re not gonna like it, either."

"I like kisses!" Candace babbled. As if it accentuate the impression, she proceeded to kiss their platypus again, squarely on top of the head. Perry squirmed about in her grip, and for once Phineas couldn’t blame him. "Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?"

"So you say," Candace retorted. "We’d see how much you do when I don’t stop until you pass out." She snorted. "Would serve you right."

"Candace..." Phineas spoke up, finally, at that. He didn't like to hear his friends not get along — and the same did apply to his two sisters, though it seemed all they really knew how to do was fight with each other. Or at least the one fighting with the other. The bed was cramped and a bit on the uncomfortably warm side, but he still tried to find as good a spot as he could even so. "Come on, can we just go to sleep now? I — I’m sure Ferb would appreciate it?"

He couldn’t see his brother from across the room, but honestly didn't blame him for not getting involved even so.

Candace huffed. "Like I would care. I have a mission, a goal, and nothing is going to keep — would you get that meat brick away from me! I swear! I’m going to break something, and it just might be you."

"He wants loving, though... look at him," Candace whined, even though the animal looked like he was already getting entirely too much of that half's brand of 'loving' as it was. "Like me."

"I'll punt him across this room, I swear," Candace snapped. "And you too while I'm at it — would you quit it with the touching and the — get your head off of me, I'm not your pillow, you... you me! Argh!"

The incoherent growl that followed sounded rather more like it came from a wild animal than any sister of Phineas'. And honestly he tried to be patient — and most of the time it was even easy — but three weeks in a row of constant bickering late into the night really did wear you down after a while. He really just wanted to get to sleep before midnight tonight, and though he might’ve preferred to have been able to do so without practically smothering beneath the half of Candace who tirelessly shadowed him everywhere, he’d about given up on that after the first three days.

"Look, Candace...s? Candaces," he said. "Can we please just get along and go to sleep? If you're all insistent on... you know, not actually using your own bed-" he paused hopefully, but there was only a derisive snort and a muttering about 'being sneaky' from the one half and unintelligible baby talk about Jeremy from the other — mostly along the lines of how the ceiling fan apparently resembled him "-then can you at least, you know, just agree to disagree for a little while? I don't know about either of you, but I'm tired. Today was a long day — a good day? — but still long."

There was perhaps a moment of silence, and he settled back into the tiny scrap of pillow he had, feeling rather happy that he'd finally managed to make it through to them.

"That's stupid. I'm keeping an eye on you, kid. Don't think you can sneak anything past me, do you? I see what you're trying to pull, and let me tell you-"

"You're warm," the other half giggled. "And soft. Like the best kind of-"

"-I said get off of me! Oh, that's it, I have had it up to here with you and your stupid-" there was a sudden commotion in the bed as the... slightly less agreeable half of his sister heaved herself up, nearly elbowing him in the face in the process. Perry let out a vaguely alarmed chittering, diving for safety as the half grabbed ahold of her — well, her other half's shoulders, proceeding to rattle her about violently. "Will! You! Ever! Lea-"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Phineas exclaimed. He scooped up Perry before the animal managed to escape the bed and run off. They were in this together, after all. "Woah, woah, woah! Candace — Candaces! Can you not actually —"

"What is it with you?" the half of Candace continued unabated, effortlessly shrugging off the hand that he tried putting on her shoulder to interrupt the fight. "You're such a flake! I don't get it! Can you do anything except be the most annoying me to ever exist? I swear, you don't even bust — what is it with that?"

"Whoa-oh-oh-oh!" her other half was saying, her entire upper body shaking back and forth wildly in the former’s grasp. "Wheee! L-let’s h-have f-fun!"

Phineas wondered vaguely if this sort of thing was the way his sister had always felt on the inside, even when she’d still been whole. He tried again to grab ahold the instigating half’s shoulder in effort at breaking it up, but only got his hand slapped away in a very stinging manner for his troubles.

The worst part was that none of it was even surprising at this point. He missed his sister, and badly, all the time, but never quite as badly as at times like this.

"Fun?! Fun?!" the upper half growled. "I’ll show you 'fun', you little-" she stopped, suddenly — and it was indeed impossible to tell if it had been an accidental slip or purposeful — crashing down over top of the lower, instantly closing the gap between their bodies and slamming her mouth onto her half's with such force that it was a wonder their foreheads didn't bang together.

The lower half's eyes popped open wide as saucers, and she made some surprised sound halfway between a gasp and an exclamation and a moan. Phineas wouldn’t have been able to blame her for the reaction had this been the first time, but by now the fact that she continued to be surprised was the only really surprising thing left.

That had never seemed to hamper her in… getting into it, though, and wasn’t now, given the way she lifted her arms and wrapped them about the neck of her upper half, upper half that had pretty much abandoned all pretense of maintaining any sort of space between the two’s body’s in favor of what was best described as just… ‘laying directly atop’ her.

It was then he knew it was time to abandon all hope of getting them off of each other, though he did at least take a little comfort that they’d gotten to this stage before even eleven o’clock. If this pace kept up, they might wear themselves out entirely before long before eleven-thirty hit… with any luck, the room would be still and quiet come midnight, and he might actually get to sleep before then after all.

For now, though, there was nothing to be done except wait, and turn his back to them and lie silently and stare at the ceiling, all to the… most relaxing sounds that were the lower Candace’s insistence on moaning practically the entire time, while the upper Candace seemed content only if she could grunt angrily every three seconds at minimum.

Definitely a relaxing soundscape to try and sleep by, yes.

He opened one eye and leaned up, looking over their… pile of entangled limbs and bodies to Ferb’s bed. Ferb, who seemed entirely undisturbed by the whole thing, having a pillow over his face and snoring soundly despite the racket.

Maybe, while both Candaces were so distracted with each other, he could slip out of bed and crawl into Ferb’s instead. Ferb… probably wouldn’t mind, right?

Quietly, carefully, he sat up, slowly pushing the blankets off him. And gingerly, reached one bare foot out onto the floor – only to get stopped dead by a vice-like grip clamping down on his arm with such abruptness that he almost jumped.

It was, of course, the more temperamental of the halves, and though – for once – her mouth and tongue were otherwise occupied (okay, he probably shouldn’t think that; it was kind of mean), the glare that flashed in her eyes as they flickered up to him for the brief moment they left the other half was clear enough without her oft-repeated verbal threats.

Fair enough, then.

Phineas sighed and settled back down onto his own mattress. Perry, the rascal, had had the nerve to abscond over to Ferb’s much less crowded and noisy bed at the first chance he’d gotten, and now Phineas was stuck all alone. (Or not alone, that being… the crux of the entire problem, really.)

Somebody’s knee drove itself into the small of his back, and he winced, retreating ever farther to the edge of the bed, as far as he could manage while still limited by the unflexing grip on his wrist.

When he ended up in school again, he was going to have major disagreements to broach with the first math teacher who tried to claim that two halves always equaled the whole, that much he knew for sure. Math may not have his most favorite of subjects, and he didn’t really know anymore what two halves did equal… but it wasn’t the whole.

That much, at least, was for sure.

* * *

 

“Dear, have you noticed that Candace has… somehow become _two_ Candaces for the past couple weeks?"

“Oh, I know, right? It certainly feels like that, doesn’t it? I think it’s a puberty thing, you know.”

“A puberty thing, you say? That’s… that seems unusual.”

“Oh, no. You should hear Mom talk about me – I was exactly like this when I was Candace’s age.”

“Exactly, you say?”

“Pretty much, yeah, down to the mood swings and everything. It’s nothing unusual. She’ll grow out of it soon enough.”

“Well, if you say so…”

“Trust me, hon. Mothers… we just know these things.”

“If you insist, dear.”

“I do, yes. Now come to bed, won’t you?”


End file.
